Lost again

He was the first one to really break my heart. He treated me like shit and I know I deserve better, but something in me keeps wanting him. The last couple of months I have been telling myself I was over it, over him, and the last weeks I actually believed it, but my old feelings for him are coming back, and I hate it. Being at that place, at that house that reminded me so much of him only made it worse. And now that he is actually contacting me, I am lost again.

- CS

I AM SO STUPID

So guess what? The jerk talked to me today. He said “what’s up, Caroline” as he walked past me in the hallways. I stood by my locker as his stupid walking past my back. Turning my head I heard my voice speak a simple “hey” as his black eye moved down the hall towards his own locker. In my mind I was freaking out. I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. I wanted to ignore him, be hardcore, play hard to get. But that, my friend, is not my style I guess. Not around him at least. As soon as he gives me the slightest bit of attention I am hooked again. I am so stupid!

And guess what? I asked him if he could hang out some time soon. He said he didn’t know because wrestling season was starting. Surprising answer right there! not. I just wish I knew what is going on. No, I wish nothing was. I wish everything was as before. I wish he was mine, and mine alone. I wish I was his. I want to be able to kiss him, touch him, feel him, breath. But I want to smack him, hard. Make him hurt as much as I do. My eyes are still tearing up all the time. They long after him every time he is near. I catch myself looking for him constantly. It’s stupid. This day is stupid. I am so stupid!

- CS

Days

They go by fast, too fast most of the time.

But when you need time, time to recover.

They go by slow, too slow.

                                                     

You have made so many of my days so great.

You have made some miserable.

But I still want to spend my days with you.

I have spent days crying over you.

I have spend days smiling because of you.

It has been four days now.

Four days since you turned my smiles into tears.

- CS

A cage made out of my love to you

The feelings that you made me feel

I cannot imagine anybody else make me feel like that

But it looks like you do the same to every other girl

Are you going to fool her too?

Something in me hope you will

Something in me hopes you will hurt her like you hurt me

She deserves it just as much as you

She fooled me just as much as you did

Did you laugh about it together?

I could imagine you do that

Am I just your entertainment?

Some animal trapped in a cage

A cage made out of my love to you

- CS

I was warned

I was warned

People warned me about you

But I stood up for you

I still wanted you

I didn’t listen to them when they said you were no good

I just laughed

I believed you, I really trusted you

But I see now that they were right when they called you a jerk

No good, that is what you are

But does it change anything for me?

No, I still want you

I still need you

I’m a fool

I have never felled this stupid before

You led me on

But I would let you do it again

- CS

The worst feelings:

cheated on, replaced, over-thinking, lied to, led on, not appreciated, not cared for, being left out, ignored, and worrying.

Basically all the feeling in me right now.

- CS

You were everything

You were everything I didn’t expect to find here

I didn’t know how bad I needed you

How bad I would need you now

I wanna say I wish I had never met you

But that would be a lie

I would do it all again, so many times

I trusted you,

I felt closer to you than what good was , I guess

So now I’m alone, left with a broke heart

I didn’t need to find you but I did, and I’m happy I did

But you hurt me more than I had ever imagined

And you know what the worst thing is? I still don’t know the truth.

- CS

Countdown

I am counting the days

Every single day

I want it to go fast

But at the same time, I don’t

I think you could say I am excited

I know you could say I am VERY excited

I am anxious, curious

- CS

You are mine

You are mine now

And I am yours

I love that thought

I love this feeling

To be somebody’s

But mostly to be yours

And to be able to call you mine

Yep, I am proud

I cannot wait to see you again

Though you just left the place

I like you a lot

I love you

I want you

I want to be with you

Laugh with you

Kiss you

Because I now know I can

I know I have the right

Cause you are mine

And I am yours

- CS

Can we go back?

Can we go back to that night we first met?

I really liked that night,

I wanna live it again.

Meet you for the very first time again.

Not that I wanna change anything.

I just wanna live it again,

Cause it was so very wonderful.

Wonderful, to meet somebody as sweet as you.

So can we go back?

- CS

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is what I am looking forward to

Tomorrow is what is making me nervous

It is what makes butterflies take over my stomach

It is what makes me smile.

I cannot wait for tomorrow to come

But at the same time I am scared

I am nervous

But I cannot wait.

I do not think I will get any sleep tonight

I will be wondering about that day

That day that will be tomorrow

And I will be thinking about you.

- CS

Disappointed.

I am disappointed.

I know I should not be,

But I just am.

I am very disappointed!

Am I mean to say I am disappointed?

I mean,

Others did worse!

I should probably be happy,

But I just am not.

I cannot stop thinking about it though.

It is on my mind nonstop.

I wish I had acted differently,

Done something that would change

The situation I am in now.

But I did not,

And now I am disappointed.

Of myself.

- CS

You

I like your smile

It is cute

Your red cheeks

They are adorable

I think I like you

I like your name

I like saying it

Again and again

It is like sweet music to me

And I love music

I like your sweet texts

They make me smile

A lot

I think I am starting to like you

Like really

I think you like striped shirts

You have worn striped shirts every time I have seen you

Maybe it is just a coincidence

Maybe not

But you did in fact look great

I would like to meet up again

To see that cute smile of yours

And those red cheeks

I know I like you

I know I like you a lot

- CS

The one that got away

We were sitting against the wall. His right arm was wrapped around me holding me close to him and keeping me warm. My head was in the crack of his neck, resting against his shoulder. My lips touched the skin behind his ear and sometimes his ear lope as I spoke. His fingers were going up and down on my arm, caressing me lovingly. My eyes were closed, I felt so tired. But in that moment, all I wanted was to sit there with him. To talk silently while we kept each other warm. To hold each other. The feeling of my lips meeting his soft skin. The feeling of his fingers playing softly on my arm. To hear his raspy voice speak so low only I could hear it. His left hand found mine and we entwined our fingers. Our fingers played with each other in a slow pace. All we did was sit there and talk about everything and nothing. To caress each other in the most loving, caring and wonderful way. To keep each other warm and awake.

He moved his head so that he was facing me. He looked into my eyes quickly before closing them and leaning his head closer to mine. Our lips met and a passionate kiss began. Our mouths moved in sync as we kissed each other deeply. Forgetting everything about the people around us. Suddenly we were the only ones there, everyone else faded away. Our tongues met again and again as our hands held each other’s faces. None of us wanted to pull away. We didn’t even think about pulling away, before somebody spoke that is. I pulled away and leaned my head against his shoulder. My heart was racing. I was wet around my mouth, but I dint mind it. I could still feel his lips against mine, I could still feel his mouth moving in sync with mine. I wanted to kiss him again, but I didn’t do it.

We stood in the dark, in a shadow from a big tree. People were near but we didn’t see them. We talked like never before. My arms wrapped around his neck hugging him tight. His arms went around my waist keeping me close to him. My head was leaned against his warm chest as we kept on talking silently. We heard somebody ask who was snogging, but we ignored them. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to feel his soft plump lips against mine just one more time. But I was too insecure. So I hugged him instead. And told him I would miss him.

- CS