Lost again

He was the first one to really break my heart. He treated me like shit and I know I deserve better, but something in me keeps wanting him. The last couple of months I have been telling myself I was over it, over him, and the last weeks I actually believed it, but my old feelings for him are coming back, and I hate it. Being at that place, at that house that reminded me so much of him only made it worse. And now that he is actually contacting me, I am lost again.

- CS

You...

You are…

Arrogant

Boastful

Callous

Careless

Cowardly

Cruel

Deceitful

Dishonest

Foolish

Irresponsible

Mean

Nasty

Patronizing

Perverse

Rude

Ruthless

Secretive

Selfish

Self-centered

Stupid

Thoughtless

Untrustworthy

Vain

Cocky

Dumb

You are a…

Jerk

Bitch

Idiot

Man whore

Player

Fool

Dumbass

Creep

Asshole

Pig

Bastard

Shit

Ass

Blockhead

Dunce

Dummy

Jackass

Twit

Weirdo

Loon

Dork

Jock

Loser

Dick

Faggot

- CS

You are such a jerk.

Yesterday I was happy

I super proud

Cause I was over you

I was over your shit

Your ugly lies and stupid games

Today I am confused

Again

I am confused about what you want

I am confused about what I want

And I do not know what to do

I wish you weren’t such a jerk

I wish everything between us still could be good

But you are a jerk

A fucking idiot

A stupid player

I liked you so much

You broke my heart so bad

I like you still

I just don’t know how much

How stupid I am

I know I shouldn’t go back to you

I hate you

I know I want to hurt you as bad as you hurt me

But I also know that I miss you

I miss us

You had me

My world was surround you

I thought I had you

I thought you truly felt something for me

But turns out you were only playing a game

Oh how I wish you weren’t such a jerk

How I wish I could figure out my own feelings and needs

- CS

I AM SO STUPID

So guess what? The jerk talked to me today. He said “what’s up, Caroline” as he walked past me in the hallways. I stood by my locker as his stupid walking past my back. Turning my head I heard my voice speak a simple “hey” as his black eye moved down the hall towards his own locker. In my mind I was freaking out. I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. I wanted to ignore him, be hardcore, play hard to get. But that, my friend, is not my style I guess. Not around him at least. As soon as he gives me the slightest bit of attention I am hooked again. I am so stupid!

And guess what? I asked him if he could hang out some time soon. He said he didn’t know because wrestling season was starting. Surprising answer right there! not. I just wish I knew what is going on. No, I wish nothing was. I wish everything was as before. I wish he was mine, and mine alone. I wish I was his. I want to be able to kiss him, touch him, feel him, breath. But I want to smack him, hard. Make him hurt as much as I do. My eyes are still tearing up all the time. They long after him every time he is near. I catch myself looking for him constantly. It’s stupid. This day is stupid. I am so stupid!

- CS