Honestly

Honestly I just want people to say that we are good together, that I wouldn’t be stupid for going back to you.

I feel like nobody understands me, what I am going through nor my feelings. I know I am stupid, I know I am out of my mind and I should have more respect for myself, but it is just not that simple. And trust me when I say I hate myself for this, because I know how incredibly stupid it is, but I cannot help it. I cannot help but want him. The want I feel for him, the need even after he treated me like this, I want it to go away, I want so badly to be over it, to be over him. But I think the fact that it never really ended is what is making it so difficult for me. Because there is still something in me that believes that he could be better to me.

I am fighting myself, hating myself for the feelings inside of me. All I want is to be understood by others, and by myself. 

- CS

Lost again

He was the first one to really break my heart. He treated me like shit and I know I deserve better, but something in me keeps wanting him. The last couple of months I have been telling myself I was over it, over him, and the last weeks I actually believed it, but my old feelings for him are coming back, and I hate it. Being at that place, at that house that reminded me so much of him only made it worse. And now that he is actually contacting me, I am lost again.

- CS

To become old and wise we must first be young and stupid

It is to me incredible how one person can change so much in you. You can go from happy to unhappy, or from unhappy to happy in no time. One person can change your life totally, change your feelings and your thoughts, make you see the world in another way than you have before. A person can make you look at yourself in a new way, make you think of yourself and others in a different perspective.

The person can make a big difference, or a small one. Two people have made a huge difference in my life and changed my way of thinking. There was her and then there was him. She was in my life for a very long time before she became this important, he was not.

She was like the sun rising a happiness and warmth inside of me. She showed me true love and she made me feel something I had always longed to feel. She made me happy and she made me laugh in the most incredible love-filled way. She gave me a new meaning of love. She made my heart smile.

He came into my life like a hunters arrow being shot directly into the heart of his prey. He melted my heart, he changed my plans. His adorable brown eyes and his cheeky smile made me feel something I had felt before, only this time it was stronger. Everything was good, he was lovely and he made me believe he thought the same of me. but something changed, and my heart never solidified again.

People change and people change you. Some people will treat you with respect and some will not. Some will teach you how to live your life by helping you through it with love and their best advices. Some will teach you by treating you badly and breaking your heart. But the people that will come and go throughout your life will make you who you are, who you are meant to be. And to become old and wise we must first be young and stupid. 

- CS

An act.

You know, when I see you now I feel anger

I feel love and I feel lust.

I miss you

And I miss your touch.

When you scroll down the hallways in your black jacket

I feel like I don’t even know you.

And when you look the other way, acting like you don’t see me

It hurts so bad.

I just can’t seem to figure you out

You say you miss me and wanna spend time with me

But why don’t you then?

Why do you text me like you love me but act like you don’t know me.

- CS

You...

You are…

Arrogant

Boastful

Callous

Careless

Cowardly

Cruel

Deceitful

Dishonest

Foolish

Irresponsible

Mean

Nasty

Patronizing

Perverse

Rude

Ruthless

Secretive

Selfish

Self-centered

Stupid

Thoughtless

Untrustworthy

Vain

Cocky

Dumb

You are a…

Jerk

Bitch

Idiot

Man whore

Player

Fool

Dumbass

Creep

Asshole

Pig

Bastard

Shit

Ass

Blockhead

Dunce

Dummy

Jackass

Twit

Weirdo

Loon

Dork

Jock

Loser

Dick

Faggot

- CS

Tattooed to my heart

Like a tattoo, I will always have you.

But I can cover you up with another tattoo.

- CS