Dear you

Dear you who broke my heart without even noticing.

You know, the worst part of all of this is that I really trusted you and I gave myself to you in a way I did to no others here. So now that I am left alone by you, after you hurt and humiliated me the way you that you did, I am hating the fact that I for some reason, and in some weird way still like you and still want what was between us to continue.

I have always thought I wouldn’t be the girl to forgive the boy who hurt me and I honestly don’t understand my own feelings at the moment, I don’t even know if I have actually forgiven you or not. If I was the friend advising myself right now, I would for sure tell myself to forget about you, get over it and move on. But for some reason it is just not that easy.

Lots of love and hate from the girl you tore apart and forgot about.

- CS

Honestly

Honestly I just want people to say that we are good together, that I wouldn’t be stupid for going back to you.

I feel like nobody understands me, what I am going through nor my feelings. I know I am stupid, I know I am out of my mind and I should have more respect for myself, but it is just not that simple. And trust me when I say I hate myself for this, because I know how incredibly stupid it is, but I cannot help it. I cannot help but want him. The want I feel for him, the need even after he treated me like this, I want it to go away, I want so badly to be over it, to be over him. But I think the fact that it never really ended is what is making it so difficult for me. Because there is still something in me that believes that he could be better to me.

I am fighting myself, hating myself for the feelings inside of me. All I want is to be understood by others, and by myself. 

- CS

Lost again

He was the first one to really break my heart. He treated me like shit and I know I deserve better, but something in me keeps wanting him. The last couple of months I have been telling myself I was over it, over him, and the last weeks I actually believed it, but my old feelings for him are coming back, and I hate it. Being at that place, at that house that reminded me so much of him only made it worse. And now that he is actually contacting me, I am lost again.

- CS

Ready to continue

You know, I’m just so happy to be over you.

I almost don’t even fancy you anymore.

I almost don’t give a shit about you.

And it’s nice, it’s a huge god damn relief.

I can finally breath, I can finally enjoy my time here.

I mean, I enjoyed my time with you.

And I don’t know if I would do it again if you came back

But I am happy, I am glad to be happy without you.

I could go on and on about how wonderful you were.

I could write a whole book about what a jerk you are.

But I wont, I will find a new rode to travel.

I will find a new guy and he will treat me better than you ever planned on.

As I once heard in a song.

It’s not what you said.

It’s the lies and everything you concealed.

It’s the way you said goodbye.

And now I am finally ready to say goodbye for good.

To get over you and continue on with the adventure that is my life.

I’m gonna have fun, I’m gonna meet new interesting people.

And I’m gonna laugh, with them and of you. 

- CS

An act.

You know, when I see you now I feel anger

I feel love and I feel lust.

I miss you

And I miss your touch.

When you scroll down the hallways in your black jacket

I feel like I don’t even know you.

And when you look the other way, acting like you don’t see me

It hurts so bad.

I just can’t seem to figure you out

You say you miss me and wanna spend time with me

But why don’t you then?

Why do you text me like you love me but act like you don’t know me.

- CS

My hope

I hope to go away for a few days

Get my mind off of things

Off of you

I hope to see the world

See the happiness in it

The happiness without you

- CS

Now I'm lost.

You asked me if I was mad at you

I asked you why

You said I seem mad at you

I told you why

You asked me how

I told you you didn’t seem interested

You said of course you were interested in me

You said you hoped for a new years kiss

You seemed like you forgot about me

I was hurt

You showed me you cared again

Now I'm lost.

- CS

Humans, oh so stupid hunmas..

Why does people in this world feel a need to make everything so god damn confusing and complicated. Us humans are so fucked up. For real though, why can't we just treat each other like we wanna be treated? Why cant we just fucking think about others than our self? We talk shit about each other and get pissed if others do about us. why can't we just realize that NOBODY is perfect, not even that one person we look up to the most. all humans, also your idol, makes mistakes. It’s just a part of life, we learn from it so why can't we just fucking move on? Humans are fucking stupid, I am too. I keep going back to you even though you treated me like shit. But then again, you did treat me good too. You did make me laugh, you made me happy. So maybe I’m not that fucked up. I'm just trying to be happy, have fun, live while I’m young.  My question just is if it would make me happy to go back to you..?

Why is it that we cant just fall in love once, and then stay in love with that one person. Then of course the other person would fall in love with you too., so there wouldn’t be any heartburns.

You can say what you want, you can do whatever. But I won’t let you get away with hurting me like you did. If you really want me back you gotta show me you actually mean it. 

- CS.

You...

You are…

Arrogant

Boastful

Callous

Careless

Cowardly

Cruel

Deceitful

Dishonest

Foolish

Irresponsible

Mean

Nasty

Patronizing

Perverse

Rude

Ruthless

Secretive

Selfish

Self-centered

Stupid

Thoughtless

Untrustworthy

Vain

Cocky

Dumb

You are a…

Jerk

Bitch

Idiot

Man whore

Player

Fool

Dumbass

Creep

Asshole

Pig

Bastard

Shit

Ass

Blockhead

Dunce

Dummy

Jackass

Twit

Weirdo

Loon

Dork

Jock

Loser

Dick

Faggot

- CS

You are such a jerk.

Yesterday I was happy

I super proud

Cause I was over you

I was over your shit

Your ugly lies and stupid games

Today I am confused

Again

I am confused about what you want

I am confused about what I want

And I do not know what to do

I wish you weren’t such a jerk

I wish everything between us still could be good

But you are a jerk

A fucking idiot

A stupid player

I liked you so much

You broke my heart so bad

I like you still

I just don’t know how much

How stupid I am

I know I shouldn’t go back to you

I hate you

I know I want to hurt you as bad as you hurt me

But I also know that I miss you

I miss us

You had me

My world was surround you

I thought I had you

I thought you truly felt something for me

But turns out you were only playing a game

Oh how I wish you weren’t such a jerk

How I wish I could figure out my own feelings and needs

- CS

Tattooed to my heart

Like a tattoo, I will always have you.

But I can cover you up with another tattoo.

- CS

Pathetic

You know what?

I think I am starting to get over you

I can now tell you that if you don’t show me something new soon

I will forget about you

I did not think it was possible

I did not see it coming

But right now I am just so sick and tired of your games

I am done being played and left alone feeling stupid

I still wonder where we stand

I still want to know

We need to talk, I know you know that just as well as I do

I am just not sure if you think it is necessary

Do you have any idea how much you hurt me?

I told my sister not to worry

She told me to make sure you would not hurt me before I let you too close

I did not tell her how you had already broken my heart

People warned me about you and I did not listen to them

I liked you, I really like you for your personality

I just wish you would say the same about me

I have no idea what you think about me

That I am pathetic?

- CS

Love isn't always what you think

Love isn’t always what you think

You think he is worth your time

You think he deserve you heart

You hope he’ll pay you back with his own

Is it really worth trying?

When all you think of is that one person

Even though you don’t know what he is think of

Even though he “can’t” hang out

Is it worth waiting for him to realize you need more

More than whatever It is he is giving

or, What he is not giving

- CS

IS THAT SO?

Do you still like me?

Am I still the one you want?

If we were sat in your car and you were dropping me off, would we be about to kiss?

Do you think of me as I think of you?

- CS

Our generation.

We, as teenagers living in 2014, don't talk our feelings, we just post it all online. If it's a simple little thought, a stupid joke we made up or something we feel deep inside, we post it. We put it all out there. 

We don't walk up to a person and tell them something we feel or think, instead we tweet it, we blog it or vlog it, we post it in a status on Facebook, we talk to strangers on omegle or whatever other media we might use, we ask ourself a question on Ask.fm and answer it, we Instagram it, we put it in our snapchat stories, we post it on tumblr, some might even make a vine. 

We are very social kids, we know exactly how to use the social medias. But interacting with actual people is another story. Our generation is split up in two categories. Either you are a social kid both online and in real life or, you are only social online. Our fast ways to judge each other has made it harder for us to be ourself, but online we can be whoever we want, we can even be our true self.

- CS

Days

They go by fast, too fast most of the time.

But when you need time, time to recover.

They go by slow, too slow.

                                                     

You have made so many of my days so great.

You have made some miserable.

But I still want to spend my days with you.

I have spent days crying over you.

I have spend days smiling because of you.

It has been four days now.

Four days since you turned my smiles into tears.

- CS

Nothing

If you close your eyes, do you think of me? When you close your eyes, do you see glints of me? I long for your breath, your lips in my ear. We have everything and nothing at all. I don’t know what I should do. I gave you my love, you gave me disturbances. Are we closing down now? Are you done with us? Is there a change that we could see what this could become? Are we ending this now? Or is this how you take it slow? You give me nothing.

Do feel the same, do you feel that I am leaving you? Do you even care? Nobody likes to lose the one they love. Nobody wants to feel like I do now. Led on, disrespected by the one person I cared for the most. Do you care? Just a little bit? Tiny bit? Would you give me answers if I asked you the questions I long for answers of? Would you laugh? I was ready to give myself to you. I still would. But it seem like you wouldn’t. You give me nothing.

I don’t want to say goodbye, I don’t want you to leave. But if you are going to, do it now. I cannot keep playing games. Don’t I deserve better? I don’t even know what is up. What is wrong. Maybe I am just wrong, assuming things like some sick person. I wish you would tell me. I wish I didn’t have to be guessing and end up asking you myself. I wish you would act like you did in the start. I wish you would let me have you. But, you give me nothing.

Seeing you hurt. I want to look the other way, act like I don’t care. But I can’t. My head keeps turning towards you. I told myself not to answer you, but I did. I told myself not to text you, but I did. I told myself not to smile, but when you said hey and smiled that cute smile of yours, I couldn’t help it. I would give you the world, I would move mountains for you. But you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve my love, or my tears. You give me nothing. 

- CS

I don't know what I know

I know you were more than happy the first time we kissed cause you tweeted about it

I know you liked the kisses that we shared cause you wouldn’t let me go

I know you liked spending time with me cause you kept asking me out

I know I meant something to you cause you showed up at places you wouldn’t normally go, to see me

I know you thought about me all the time cause you contacted me constantly

I know you wanted to know everything about me cause you kept asking me questions about me

But I don’t know what happened

I don’t know why you have no interest in me anymore

I don’t know why you keep lying to me

I don’t know why you are leading me on, not caring anymore

I don’t know why you felt the need to replace me with her

I don’t know why you’re ignoring me all of a sudden

I don’t know why you don’t appreciate me anymore

I don’t know how we went from talking constantly to almost not at all

I don’t know why or how I lost you

I don’t even know if I did lose you

But I know that you hurt me and that I want you anyway.

- CS

A cage made out of my love to you

The feelings that you made me feel

I cannot imagine anybody else make me feel like that

But it looks like you do the same to every other girl

Are you going to fool her too?

Something in me hope you will

Something in me hopes you will hurt her like you hurt me

She deserves it just as much as you

She fooled me just as much as you did

Did you laugh about it together?

I could imagine you do that

Am I just your entertainment?

Some animal trapped in a cage

A cage made out of my love to you

- CS

I was warned

I was warned

People warned me about you

But I stood up for you

I still wanted you

I didn’t listen to them when they said you were no good

I just laughed

I believed you, I really trusted you

But I see now that they were right when they called you a jerk

No good, that is what you are

But does it change anything for me?

No, I still want you

I still need you

I’m a fool

I have never felled this stupid before

You led me on

But I would let you do it again

- CS