Honestly

Honestly I just want people to say that we are good together, that I wouldn’t be stupid for going back to you.

I feel like nobody understands me, what I am going through nor my feelings. I know I am stupid, I know I am out of my mind and I should have more respect for myself, but it is just not that simple. And trust me when I say I hate myself for this, because I know how incredibly stupid it is, but I cannot help it. I cannot help but want him. The want I feel for him, the need even after he treated me like this, I want it to go away, I want so badly to be over it, to be over him. But I think the fact that it never really ended is what is making it so difficult for me. Because there is still something in me that believes that he could be better to me.

I am fighting myself, hating myself for the feelings inside of me. All I want is to be understood by others, and by myself. 

- CS

Lost again

He was the first one to really break my heart. He treated me like shit and I know I deserve better, but something in me keeps wanting him. The last couple of months I have been telling myself I was over it, over him, and the last weeks I actually believed it, but my old feelings for him are coming back, and I hate it. Being at that place, at that house that reminded me so much of him only made it worse. And now that he is actually contacting me, I am lost again.

- CS

Ready to continue

You know, I’m just so happy to be over you.

I almost don’t even fancy you anymore.

I almost don’t give a shit about you.

And it’s nice, it’s a huge god damn relief.

I can finally breath, I can finally enjoy my time here.

I mean, I enjoyed my time with you.

And I don’t know if I would do it again if you came back

But I am happy, I am glad to be happy without you.

I could go on and on about how wonderful you were.

I could write a whole book about what a jerk you are.

But I wont, I will find a new rode to travel.

I will find a new guy and he will treat me better than you ever planned on.

As I once heard in a song.

It’s not what you said.

It’s the lies and everything you concealed.

It’s the way you said goodbye.

And now I am finally ready to say goodbye for good.

To get over you and continue on with the adventure that is my life.

I’m gonna have fun, I’m gonna meet new interesting people.

And I’m gonna laugh, with them and of you. 

- CS

My hope

I hope to go away for a few days

Get my mind off of things

Off of you

I hope to see the world

See the happiness in it

The happiness without you

- CS

Now I'm lost.

You asked me if I was mad at you

I asked you why

You said I seem mad at you

I told you why

You asked me how

I told you you didn’t seem interested

You said of course you were interested in me

You said you hoped for a new years kiss

You seemed like you forgot about me

I was hurt

You showed me you cared again

Now I'm lost.

- CS

Humans, oh so stupid hunmas..

Why does people in this world feel a need to make everything so god damn confusing and complicated. Us humans are so fucked up. For real though, why can't we just treat each other like we wanna be treated? Why cant we just fucking think about others than our self? We talk shit about each other and get pissed if others do about us. why can't we just realize that NOBODY is perfect, not even that one person we look up to the most. all humans, also your idol, makes mistakes. It’s just a part of life, we learn from it so why can't we just fucking move on? Humans are fucking stupid, I am too. I keep going back to you even though you treated me like shit. But then again, you did treat me good too. You did make me laugh, you made me happy. So maybe I’m not that fucked up. I'm just trying to be happy, have fun, live while I’m young.  My question just is if it would make me happy to go back to you..?

Why is it that we cant just fall in love once, and then stay in love with that one person. Then of course the other person would fall in love with you too., so there wouldn’t be any heartburns.

You can say what you want, you can do whatever. But I won’t let you get away with hurting me like you did. If you really want me back you gotta show me you actually mean it. 

- CS.

You...

You are…

Arrogant

Boastful

Callous

Careless

Cowardly

Cruel

Deceitful

Dishonest

Foolish

Irresponsible

Mean

Nasty

Patronizing

Perverse

Rude

Ruthless

Secretive

Selfish

Self-centered

Stupid

Thoughtless

Untrustworthy

Vain

Cocky

Dumb

You are a…

Jerk

Bitch

Idiot

Man whore

Player

Fool

Dumbass

Creep

Asshole

Pig

Bastard

Shit

Ass

Blockhead

Dunce

Dummy

Jackass

Twit

Weirdo

Loon

Dork

Jock

Loser

Dick

Faggot

- CS

You are such a jerk.

Yesterday I was happy

I super proud

Cause I was over you

I was over your shit

Your ugly lies and stupid games

Today I am confused

Again

I am confused about what you want

I am confused about what I want

And I do not know what to do

I wish you weren’t such a jerk

I wish everything between us still could be good

But you are a jerk

A fucking idiot

A stupid player

I liked you so much

You broke my heart so bad

I like you still

I just don’t know how much

How stupid I am

I know I shouldn’t go back to you

I hate you

I know I want to hurt you as bad as you hurt me

But I also know that I miss you

I miss us

You had me

My world was surround you

I thought I had you

I thought you truly felt something for me

But turns out you were only playing a game

Oh how I wish you weren’t such a jerk

How I wish I could figure out my own feelings and needs

- CS

Tattooed to my heart

Like a tattoo, I will always have you.

But I can cover you up with another tattoo.

- CS

Love isn't always what you think

Love isn’t always what you think

You think he is worth your time

You think he deserve you heart

You hope he’ll pay you back with his own

Is it really worth trying?

When all you think of is that one person

Even though you don’t know what he is think of

Even though he “can’t” hang out

Is it worth waiting for him to realize you need more

More than whatever It is he is giving

or, What he is not giving

- CS

IS THAT SO?

Do you still like me?

Am I still the one you want?

If we were sat in your car and you were dropping me off, would we be about to kiss?

Do you think of me as I think of you?

- CS

I AM SO STUPID

So guess what? The jerk talked to me today. He said “what’s up, Caroline” as he walked past me in the hallways. I stood by my locker as his stupid walking past my back. Turning my head I heard my voice speak a simple “hey” as his black eye moved down the hall towards his own locker. In my mind I was freaking out. I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. I wanted to ignore him, be hardcore, play hard to get. But that, my friend, is not my style I guess. Not around him at least. As soon as he gives me the slightest bit of attention I am hooked again. I am so stupid!

And guess what? I asked him if he could hang out some time soon. He said he didn’t know because wrestling season was starting. Surprising answer right there! not. I just wish I knew what is going on. No, I wish nothing was. I wish everything was as before. I wish he was mine, and mine alone. I wish I was his. I want to be able to kiss him, touch him, feel him, breath. But I want to smack him, hard. Make him hurt as much as I do. My eyes are still tearing up all the time. They long after him every time he is near. I catch myself looking for him constantly. It’s stupid. This day is stupid. I am so stupid!

- CS

Days

They go by fast, too fast most of the time.

But when you need time, time to recover.

They go by slow, too slow.

                                                     

You have made so many of my days so great.

You have made some miserable.

But I still want to spend my days with you.

I have spent days crying over you.

I have spend days smiling because of you.

It has been four days now.

Four days since you turned my smiles into tears.

- CS

Nothing

If you close your eyes, do you think of me? When you close your eyes, do you see glints of me? I long for your breath, your lips in my ear. We have everything and nothing at all. I don’t know what I should do. I gave you my love, you gave me disturbances. Are we closing down now? Are you done with us? Is there a change that we could see what this could become? Are we ending this now? Or is this how you take it slow? You give me nothing.

Do feel the same, do you feel that I am leaving you? Do you even care? Nobody likes to lose the one they love. Nobody wants to feel like I do now. Led on, disrespected by the one person I cared for the most. Do you care? Just a little bit? Tiny bit? Would you give me answers if I asked you the questions I long for answers of? Would you laugh? I was ready to give myself to you. I still would. But it seem like you wouldn’t. You give me nothing.

I don’t want to say goodbye, I don’t want you to leave. But if you are going to, do it now. I cannot keep playing games. Don’t I deserve better? I don’t even know what is up. What is wrong. Maybe I am just wrong, assuming things like some sick person. I wish you would tell me. I wish I didn’t have to be guessing and end up asking you myself. I wish you would act like you did in the start. I wish you would let me have you. But, you give me nothing.

Seeing you hurt. I want to look the other way, act like I don’t care. But I can’t. My head keeps turning towards you. I told myself not to answer you, but I did. I told myself not to text you, but I did. I told myself not to smile, but when you said hey and smiled that cute smile of yours, I couldn’t help it. I would give you the world, I would move mountains for you. But you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve my love, or my tears. You give me nothing. 

- CS

I don't know what I know

I know you were more than happy the first time we kissed cause you tweeted about it

I know you liked the kisses that we shared cause you wouldn’t let me go

I know you liked spending time with me cause you kept asking me out

I know I meant something to you cause you showed up at places you wouldn’t normally go, to see me

I know you thought about me all the time cause you contacted me constantly

I know you wanted to know everything about me cause you kept asking me questions about me

But I don’t know what happened

I don’t know why you have no interest in me anymore

I don’t know why you keep lying to me

I don’t know why you are leading me on, not caring anymore

I don’t know why you felt the need to replace me with her

I don’t know why you’re ignoring me all of a sudden

I don’t know why you don’t appreciate me anymore

I don’t know how we went from talking constantly to almost not at all

I don’t know why or how I lost you

I don’t even know if I did lose you

But I know that you hurt me and that I want you anyway.

- CS

A cage made out of my love to you

The feelings that you made me feel

I cannot imagine anybody else make me feel like that

But it looks like you do the same to every other girl

Are you going to fool her too?

Something in me hope you will

Something in me hopes you will hurt her like you hurt me

She deserves it just as much as you

She fooled me just as much as you did

Did you laugh about it together?

I could imagine you do that

Am I just your entertainment?

Some animal trapped in a cage

A cage made out of my love to you

- CS

I was warned

I was warned

People warned me about you

But I stood up for you

I still wanted you

I didn’t listen to them when they said you were no good

I just laughed

I believed you, I really trusted you

But I see now that they were right when they called you a jerk

No good, that is what you are

But does it change anything for me?

No, I still want you

I still need you

I’m a fool

I have never felled this stupid before

You led me on

But I would let you do it again

- CS

The worst thing

The worst thing about you is that you are a jerk.

The worst thing about me is that I still want you.

The worst thing about this is that I still don’t know the truth for sure.

The worst thing is that I have to find out myself, that you just keep lying.

The worst thing is that not only you but also she betrayed me.

The worst thing is that I think I would forgive you in a heartbeat.

The worst thing is that you probably regret nothing.

- CS

The worst feelings:

cheated on, replaced, over-thinking, lied to, led on, not appreciated, not cared for, being left out, ignored, and worrying.

Basically all the feeling in me right now.

- CS

You were everything

You were everything I didn’t expect to find here

I didn’t know how bad I needed you

How bad I would need you now

I wanna say I wish I had never met you

But that would be a lie

I would do it all again, so many times

I trusted you,

I felt closer to you than what good was , I guess

So now I’m alone, left with a broke heart

I didn’t need to find you but I did, and I’m happy I did

But you hurt me more than I had ever imagined

And you know what the worst thing is? I still don’t know the truth.

- CS