Every little lie

So maybe it was just me fooling myself the whole time

I guess I was a little too fast to draw to conclusions

I have no idea

All I know is I want it to be like that

That I was wrong

That you never stopped liking me, you just never started

I feel like I remember every single little thing you said

Every thing you do, every little move

Everything you tell me

every little lie

You mean so much to me

I can''t describe why

I guess I don’t really understand it myslf

But I care, I care a lot

And I want you to be mine

I want to be yours

- cs

I AM SO STUPID

So guess what? The jerk talked to me today. He said “what’s up, Caroline” as he walked past me in the hallways. I stood by my locker as his stupid walking past my back. Turning my head I heard my voice speak a simple “hey” as his black eye moved down the hall towards his own locker. In my mind I was freaking out. I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. I wanted to ignore him, be hardcore, play hard to get. But that, my friend, is not my style I guess. Not around him at least. As soon as he gives me the slightest bit of attention I am hooked again. I am so stupid!

And guess what? I asked him if he could hang out some time soon. He said he didn’t know because wrestling season was starting. Surprising answer right there! not. I just wish I knew what is going on. No, I wish nothing was. I wish everything was as before. I wish he was mine, and mine alone. I wish I was his. I want to be able to kiss him, touch him, feel him, breath. But I want to smack him, hard. Make him hurt as much as I do. My eyes are still tearing up all the time. They long after him every time he is near. I catch myself looking for him constantly. It’s stupid. This day is stupid. I am so stupid!

- CS

Nothing

If you close your eyes, do you think of me? When you close your eyes, do you see glints of me? I long for your breath, your lips in my ear. We have everything and nothing at all. I don’t know what I should do. I gave you my love, you gave me disturbances. Are we closing down now? Are you done with us? Is there a change that we could see what this could become? Are we ending this now? Or is this how you take it slow? You give me nothing.

Do feel the same, do you feel that I am leaving you? Do you even care? Nobody likes to lose the one they love. Nobody wants to feel like I do now. Led on, disrespected by the one person I cared for the most. Do you care? Just a little bit? Tiny bit? Would you give me answers if I asked you the questions I long for answers of? Would you laugh? I was ready to give myself to you. I still would. But it seem like you wouldn’t. You give me nothing.

I don’t want to say goodbye, I don’t want you to leave. But if you are going to, do it now. I cannot keep playing games. Don’t I deserve better? I don’t even know what is up. What is wrong. Maybe I am just wrong, assuming things like some sick person. I wish you would tell me. I wish I didn’t have to be guessing and end up asking you myself. I wish you would act like you did in the start. I wish you would let me have you. But, you give me nothing.

Seeing you hurt. I want to look the other way, act like I don’t care. But I can’t. My head keeps turning towards you. I told myself not to answer you, but I did. I told myself not to text you, but I did. I told myself not to smile, but when you said hey and smiled that cute smile of yours, I couldn’t help it. I would give you the world, I would move mountains for you. But you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve my love, or my tears. You give me nothing. 

- CS

A cage made out of my love to you

The feelings that you made me feel

I cannot imagine anybody else make me feel like that

But it looks like you do the same to every other girl

Are you going to fool her too?

Something in me hope you will

Something in me hopes you will hurt her like you hurt me

She deserves it just as much as you

She fooled me just as much as you did

Did you laugh about it together?

I could imagine you do that

Am I just your entertainment?

Some animal trapped in a cage

A cage made out of my love to you

- CS

The worst thing

The worst thing about you is that you are a jerk.

The worst thing about me is that I still want you.

The worst thing about this is that I still don’t know the truth for sure.

The worst thing is that I have to find out myself, that you just keep lying.

The worst thing is that not only you but also she betrayed me.

The worst thing is that I think I would forgive you in a heartbeat.

The worst thing is that you probably regret nothing.

- CS

The worst feelings:

cheated on, replaced, over-thinking, lied to, led on, not appreciated, not cared for, being left out, ignored, and worrying.

Basically all the feeling in me right now.

- CS