Honestly

Honestly I just want people to say that we are good together, that I wouldn’t be stupid for going back to you.

I feel like nobody understands me, what I am going through nor my feelings. I know I am stupid, I know I am out of my mind and I should have more respect for myself, but it is just not that simple. And trust me when I say I hate myself for this, because I know how incredibly stupid it is, but I cannot help it. I cannot help but want him. The want I feel for him, the need even after he treated me like this, I want it to go away, I want so badly to be over it, to be over him. But I think the fact that it never really ended is what is making it so difficult for me. Because there is still something in me that believes that he could be better to me.

I am fighting myself, hating myself for the feelings inside of me. All I want is to be understood by others, and by myself. 

- CS

I AM SO STUPID

So guess what? The jerk talked to me today. He said “what’s up, Caroline” as he walked past me in the hallways. I stood by my locker as his stupid walking past my back. Turning my head I heard my voice speak a simple “hey” as his black eye moved down the hall towards his own locker. In my mind I was freaking out. I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. I wanted to ignore him, be hardcore, play hard to get. But that, my friend, is not my style I guess. Not around him at least. As soon as he gives me the slightest bit of attention I am hooked again. I am so stupid!

And guess what? I asked him if he could hang out some time soon. He said he didn’t know because wrestling season was starting. Surprising answer right there! not. I just wish I knew what is going on. No, I wish nothing was. I wish everything was as before. I wish he was mine, and mine alone. I wish I was his. I want to be able to kiss him, touch him, feel him, breath. But I want to smack him, hard. Make him hurt as much as I do. My eyes are still tearing up all the time. They long after him every time he is near. I catch myself looking for him constantly. It’s stupid. This day is stupid. I am so stupid!

- CS